ouch!

As I steadily creep closer towards true adulthood, I find myself losing what I once treasured. Self. While this may sound like a very in-depth topic, and it is one that I contemplate on a very regular basis (self identity and such), this post will merely deal with the literal bumps and bruises of childhood. 

As my parents, relatives, fellow peers and others can attest, I was NOT a careful child. Not only was I not very cautious, but I tented to be slightly (ok, very) clumsy. Luckily, God prepared both my parents and myself with a rugged and sturdy frame. As a child, when I found myself hurt, I just got up and moved on. No ice, ibuprofen, or rubbing was needed, I just got up and carried along. 

Tonight I was standing in front of the mirror. Just starting at myself - not out of vanity, but mere curiosity. I said to myself, "Can I still do a back bend?" Well it turns out that I can! But I did not learn this until I got over my fear. Fear - this whole fear thing is new to me! Truly it is. 

Next i asked myself if I could do a hand-stand. Needless to say, I cannot. Actually while attempting to perform this trick, I actually managed to crack my head on the cement door frame. I'm fine, minus the bruise that is forming, but it made me realize that I have not hurt myself out curiosity in a while. When did this lack of fear and curiosity leave me? Why do I fear failure? As i sat there on the floor, I waited for the pain. As an adult I knew that it would hurt, but the pain was far less than my anticipation of the full effect. The pain was nothing... I have a hard head (apparently I didn't loose that in college). It was the anticipation of the pain that paralyzed me.

To be honest, it feel good to be whacked on the head. While my childish stunt may have caused a bruise on my head, I'm fine, both physically and emotionally. As an adult, maybe I should work harder to stop anticipating what I might feel - because as tonight proved, my curiousity actually taught me something. However, this has always been my way of living... I just have to jump in, head first!

David and Goliath

As many of you know, at time my attention span is very short, however I do enjoy learning and reading very much. A recent find at of my favorite Barnes & Noble is the perfect answer to this. The book is called The Intellectual Devotion. The 7 topics discussed are history, music, philosophy, science, religion, visual arts and literature. I highly recommend it for anyone finding themselves seemingly becoming less intelligent by the hour at a job that is less than stimulating at times.

I have always known the concept of David and Goliath, but had never actually read the whole story. However, when I did, I realized that it conformed rather nicely to an aspect of my life that i've been struggling with to define. I have a battering ram in my life, unfortunately. She's a bully and tends to make life hell for those who cross her or who she just simply does not like. I don't/can't operate like that... it's so foreign to me, but I think that in the end I'll find myself as King David did.

ha! riiiiiight!

a sense of feminine beauty

Delicacy, compassion, softness, tenderness and love are all virtues of a woman, along with many more. From time to time I forget that, as a woman, it is somewhat my responsibility to soften the harshness of my surroundings. 

However, that is not to say that being a woman means being devoid of strength, wisdom, intelligence and honor. 

just another day

For those of you who know me, you know that I have always struggled with my weight. The very first time that I realized that I was "fat" was the the beginning of 7th grade - I was 12. Only thing was, I was not really "fat". I just did not look like everyone else - or so I think/thought. Being a very visually picky person I have always criticized my own body in a very harsh manor, like so many women do, but with me it is/was something that I could not shake. You see, not only am I very visually picky, but I have not always had the greatest self-esteem and still struggle with that today. Those two things combined are like bleach and ammonia (making mustard gas) are debilitating to a girl/woman in our society. (Speaking of... I have a comment to make that pretty much sums our society and weight issues... fast food is cheaper by the day, and mannequins are smaller than ever. How does that make any sense?)

On skinny people: I do not despise skinny or small people. Gosh, my mom is one of those people. And while there are more woman who wish that they were very small, it is just as hard for small woman to find clothes as it is for woman who are slightly bigger. Think of it as a balance scale - an exact middle is so, very hard to come by. 

why am I talking about weight today, you ask? Welllllll... I will tell you. Today is the day that I have reached my goal, physically that is (we're still working on the whole mental and emotional part of things). Today is the day when I weighted myself and was 133.4lbs. This is the 50lb marker for me. Two Septembers ago I was 183-185lbs. Therefore, in about a year and 5 months, I have achieved my physical goal. 

This is great and wonderful, but to be honest it is not about the lbs - it really has a lot more to do with my mental state. While I am proud of my accomplishments physically, I am much more uplifted by the mental feats that I have tackled. I can now eat in good proportion, whatever the food. I drink a lot of water - though I still have to force myself. I eat a lot of veggies (steamed broccoli is my favorite). However the thing that I am most proud of is that I have learned how to lose weight without puking my food back up. At one point in time during high school I was approximately 110lbs. This, for me, was/is scary. I was an athlete and generally just should never be that small - ever! Just to give perspective - my neck was so small that it barely looked like it could hold up my head. Regardless, this is the thing that I cherish the most. However, I am not perfect. From time to time, mostly when I am stressed I, still do resort to my old ways, but am quick to realize that it is not healthy and it does nothing good for my mental state. I am where I am today, because I was able to take control of my mental health (bulimia, chronic depression and anxiety).

I am forever grateful to Sam. The best friend, soul-mate and my soon-to-be husband that has endured the tears, the struggles, and the sad days all the while still loving, supporting, uplifting and motivating me through it all. 

Thank you to my father. Although it was hard for me to hear, thank you for telling me that I was not looking very healthy and did not want me to struggle with the difficulties of losing weight when age takes its toll. 

Thank you, mom. For continually supporting me and always sharing in the small stepping stones along the way. I could tell her that I lost .5lbs and she'd still tell me how great of an accomplishment it was. My mom is one of my best friends - no doubt about it. She's the person that has had the most influence on my character - a character that I am very pleased with. Granted I can always improve, but her happiness and strength is truly amazing. 

Lastly, thank you to everyone who made even one little comment to me about me looking nice - it may not have been a monumental speech, but it meant the world to me. Thank you!

I still have a long road ahead of me, realizing that I now can be confident, but we're getting there... tbc...

Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Okay, so those of us who were forced to watch cartoons as children (I hated everything except CareBears) will recognize this saying from Pinky & the Brain if you are about my age. Regardless, I heard this saying so many times that I'm sure that even if I were struck by a bus and rendered comatose I will still have this saying in my reserve. 

However, it connects to something I'd like to get off my chest. World domination. That's right, I said world domination... and I have a plan. Four letters - S N O W. Snow is the key, or at least it is here. Let me explain my plan. I will somehow make it snow for 1 entire day in Chicagoland and the world will me mine. So now that you're scratching your head because my plan may not make sense to someone who, say, was raised in western new york, I'd like to invite you to come to Chicago. Snow renders these people completely useless. In the past two weeks I've been excused from work early because of the "treacherous" weather. The weather is mild, at best, and is by no means intolerable to a seasoned New Yorker growing up near Buffalo. 

See, now things all make sense. World domination is quite easy - just think S N O W. 

I will leave the issue of driving to another post, but I simply cannot understand the mental block that some have regarding the weather in the midwest. Take it slow, assume that it will take longer to get to where you're going and what you're doing, and finally, accept that it's cold outside because it's WINTER!

In all honesty, I blame the weathermen (or persons). I think that they were just sick of the attractive, young, perfectly groomed lead female anchor and the handsome, energetic, dapper, just-out-of-school-frat boy sportscaster getting all the attention. The weatherman faced a dilemma and were seriously attention-deprived. They had to make their lives more exciting and the only way they could think of was to scare the pants of the views/listeners (for those of us who do not own a TV - but then again, I don't have a working car radio either... but, hey(!) I don't really pay attention to the overly and unnecessarily dramatic news, oh yeah) and make them believe that life will stop by giving storms by names and predicting horrible conditions with those tickers on the bottom of the TV or in my case, on my widget dashboard. 

The moral of the story - give love to your weatherman so that they will stop predicting "extreme" weather and can bring the weather alert back to green. 

Speaking of alert systems, I think that a weather alert system is a lot more practical than a terrorist/homeland security alert system denoted with meaningless colors. We should use levels like "involuntary vehicular man slaughter, involuntary man slaughter, man slaughter, second and first degree" as opposed to colors. Colors cannot simply describe the threat level like these can. Okay, back to the weather alert system, any ideas as to what we should use for the levels? 

Now that I have truly rambled on for too long, I'll leave you with your thoughts and please comment as to how we should denote the levels for the proposed weather alert system or WAS as I like to refer to it. 

Erica Happiness Factoid:

• I found awesome shoes for the the Chicago Auto Show (my up and coming black tie event) for 50% off at Macy's. 

• I tried on a $16,000.00 mink coat. All I can say is, "wow!!". Not that I'll ever have the money to buy said coat, and nor would I spend that money, if I had it, on a thing that killed a really cute and furry animal, but it was amazing nevertheless. 

• I'm wearing my prom gown to the show. For those of you who do not know, I've lost 49lbs in the last year in a half and this is a very happy moment for me. P.S. - dealing with my weight has always been an issue for me. Thank you to Sam, my mom and Dad and all of those who helped me reach my goal - I am eternally grateful :)

Not-cool Factoid:

• I receive another student loan bill (it went to my parents' home) that was due in December. Yeah, that was very much NOT awesome! 

ahhh...

This past week has consisted of:

Monday AM: meeting with bosses - less than great.

Tuesday: work work work... and then a wonderful bottle of wine from Sam! Thank you times a ba-jillion to the infinity power. 

Wednesday: work, work, some success, volleyball (wonderful, much needed time out), no sliding across 3 lanes of traffic on 88 (whewww...)

Thursday: yes, more work..., but we left early because of the "big" snowstorm - suuuuuure. 

Friday: sick as a dog (whatever the heck that means)

Saturday: sleep

Sunday: church, sunday school with a less than cooperative class with a kid that reminded me of one of exs. I know that he can't help who he reminds me of, nevertheless he still made me sick.