just another day

For those of you who know me, you know that I have always struggled with my weight. The very first time that I realized that I was "fat" was the the beginning of 7th grade - I was 12. Only thing was, I was not really "fat". I just did not look like everyone else - or so I think/thought. Being a very visually picky person I have always criticized my own body in a very harsh manor, like so many women do, but with me it is/was something that I could not shake. You see, not only am I very visually picky, but I have not always had the greatest self-esteem and still struggle with that today. Those two things combined are like bleach and ammonia (making mustard gas) are debilitating to a girl/woman in our society. (Speaking of... I have a comment to make that pretty much sums our society and weight issues... fast food is cheaper by the day, and mannequins are smaller than ever. How does that make any sense?)

On skinny people: I do not despise skinny or small people. Gosh, my mom is one of those people. And while there are more woman who wish that they were very small, it is just as hard for small woman to find clothes as it is for woman who are slightly bigger. Think of it as a balance scale - an exact middle is so, very hard to come by. 

why am I talking about weight today, you ask? Welllllll... I will tell you. Today is the day that I have reached my goal, physically that is (we're still working on the whole mental and emotional part of things). Today is the day when I weighted myself and was 133.4lbs. This is the 50lb marker for me. Two Septembers ago I was 183-185lbs. Therefore, in about a year and 5 months, I have achieved my physical goal. 

This is great and wonderful, but to be honest it is not about the lbs - it really has a lot more to do with my mental state. While I am proud of my accomplishments physically, I am much more uplifted by the mental feats that I have tackled. I can now eat in good proportion, whatever the food. I drink a lot of water - though I still have to force myself. I eat a lot of veggies (steamed broccoli is my favorite). However the thing that I am most proud of is that I have learned how to lose weight without puking my food back up. At one point in time during high school I was approximately 110lbs. This, for me, was/is scary. I was an athlete and generally just should never be that small - ever! Just to give perspective - my neck was so small that it barely looked like it could hold up my head. Regardless, this is the thing that I cherish the most. However, I am not perfect. From time to time, mostly when I am stressed I, still do resort to my old ways, but am quick to realize that it is not healthy and it does nothing good for my mental state. I am where I am today, because I was able to take control of my mental health (bulimia, chronic depression and anxiety).

I am forever grateful to Sam. The best friend, soul-mate and my soon-to-be husband that has endured the tears, the struggles, and the sad days all the while still loving, supporting, uplifting and motivating me through it all. 

Thank you to my father. Although it was hard for me to hear, thank you for telling me that I was not looking very healthy and did not want me to struggle with the difficulties of losing weight when age takes its toll. 

Thank you, mom. For continually supporting me and always sharing in the small stepping stones along the way. I could tell her that I lost .5lbs and she'd still tell me how great of an accomplishment it was. My mom is one of my best friends - no doubt about it. She's the person that has had the most influence on my character - a character that I am very pleased with. Granted I can always improve, but her happiness and strength is truly amazing. 

Lastly, thank you to everyone who made even one little comment to me about me looking nice - it may not have been a monumental speech, but it meant the world to me. Thank you!

I still have a long road ahead of me, realizing that I now can be confident, but we're getting there... tbc...